I Want a New Drug

Gold Pills

Ok, so we were talking about some medications we would like to see added to the formulary and/or Pixis machine to help us deal with some of the more common problems our patients present with.  I think these would help with patient flow and physician sanity as the number of patients coming into the E.D. seems to be ever-increasing.

– Killembuzzer:  instant sobriety in convenient IM form.  No more waiting 4 – 5 hours for a patient to MTE/MTF (metabolize to exam/freedom) while they pee, poop or vomit all over themselves and the room during the process.  Now, a simple IM injection and bam!  off to jail with the nice officer or back to the college dorm.  Kinda like Narcan for the EtOH set.

– Getbacktoworkalol:  a simple medication that relieves those Monday-at-three-a.m.-I-don’t-think-I-can-work-today back pains.  No more need for Flexeril or Lortabs, plus the much needed work excuse.  Now your patient can go back to being a valuable part of the work force.

– Smilereliefer:  a depot injection for the toothache that’s been going on for two weeks and now on Saturday morning suddenly needs relief.  It’s a fast-acting, non-opioid medication that deadens the dental nerves so that the patient can continue to eat and smoke comfortably while they wait for their dental visit which they haven’t made yet.

I can think of several others we discussed mostly related to sterility-induction of patients who should not be passing their genes along to future generations, but I don’t think it’d ever get past the FDA.

What would be on your formulary?

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